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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23453365">Addicts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianese/pseuds/lesbianese'>lesbianese</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Amar a Muerte (TV), Juliantina - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Addictions, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Romance, Drama &amp; Romance, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Lots of drama, Recovery, Sexaholic, Slow Burn, alcoholic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 14:40:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,805</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23453365</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianese/pseuds/lesbianese</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><strong>© No adaptations/reproduction allowed</strong> •••</p><p>(TEMPORARILY ON HOLD)</p><p>Juliana is a sexaholic in treatment. Valentina is an alcoholic in progression.<br/>Can love be the cure for whatever ails us?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Juliantina - Relationship, Valentina Carvajal &amp; Juliana Valdés</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>149</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. C1. Hello, My name is ...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Valentina’s POV</strong>
</p><p>This time I fucked up. I fucked up badly!</p><p>I don't know how to explain what I was thinking, in fact, I wasn't thinking about anything. Or maybe, thinking about everything at the same time? Well... I exploded. Like an atomic bomb that destroys everything around in a matter of seconds, I exploded!</p><p>All I've done in the last few years is creating chaos - for my friends, family, my career. I'm a ruiner, that's my thing: destroy and damage. Catastrophe reigns wherever I go.</p><p>And I really would like to believe that everything will be fine, as most people say it will. But at this point, I don't believe there is even a 'drop of hope' that can save me. I fucked it up.</p><p>The bottle of Mezcal is already empty. Ironically, not even alcohol wants to make me company anymore. I lost everything, everyone. My mother can't stand the sight of me, my brother has more important things to do besides babysitting his lil sister. Eva gave up on me as she said - she said no, screamed. And my father, well ... I don't think he can do much as his body decomposes at six feet under the earth.</p><p>He was the only one who really understood me, my one and only true friend. When he was still here, things were not that complicated - not that my life was perfect, don't get me wrong, it has never been. But, at least we had each other. Now the only thing I have is loneliness. Why did he have to die? A heart attack took dad away from me, without previous notice and without enough time for a last hug. Nothing - that's <span class="u">all</span> I have, isn't it comic? I could laugh at my own misfortune, if it weren't for the hellish headache I'm feeling right now.</p><p>That miserable sensation doesn't give me a break; I can't think of anything other than how much of a burden I’m. I open the kitchen cabinet and find a packet of crackers with thousands of little ants around it. This is definitely not what I was looking for. How can my stock of 'fuel' be already empty? "Those silly ants must have taken all my drinks away" I make fun of my own insanity, and then some tears burn my eyes.</p><p>I run up to the bedroom to dress sweatpants and a T-shirt. I look for a pair of socks but I can't find it, and that makes me very infuriated. I put on my sneakers, without any damn socks. I dress up a denim jacket and put on a hat to hide my disheveled hair. I hear the cellphone ringing. Looking at the screen - to my surprise - ‘Eva’. I reject the call without blinking. <em>'I give up on you Valentina! I had enough, we all had enough. You make it so damn hard to love you!' </em>Her voice is still echoing in my head and all I don't need right now is to hear another sermon. I start crying, incessantly.</p><p>I grab my car keys and wallet then I sprint to the living room, but before I leave, I hear the phone ringing again. This time, Guille. The cellphone's annoying ringtone makes my head pound. I open the fridge and throw the device inside. I walk out the apartment, I need Johnnie Walker's presence in my life asap.</p><p>Unexpectedly, I ran into a man. STUPID! I almost fell off. “Neighbor, are you ok?” Sergio, my irritating next-door neighbor. He's been annoying my life for quite long now, I'm pretty sure my siblings are paying him to spy on me. I lean on the wall and take deep breaths, I feel dizzy and about to ... throw up. I puke on his expensive shoes. <em>Sorry, not sorry.</em> That's what you get for playing the 007. The boy instantly shuts up, he finally got the message. I run to the staircase without looking back.</p><p>I sit on my car and it feels like the strong pain in my brain is going to kill me, my breathing gets heavier and more labored, my hands start shaking. "Damn it!" I turn on the engines and hit the gas. The car goes in reverse, totally the opposite direction that I was expecting. And then … boom! My forehead violently shocks against the steering wheel and the alarm goes off. I clumsily walk out the vehicle to see what I’ve crashed into. Shit! A police patrol!?!</p><p>"Valentina?" I hear Sergio shouting and in a matter of seconds I feel extremely weak, the horrible headache is back. It doesn't take long until everything goes dark.</p><p>Who turned off the lights?</p><hr/><p>I woke up in the hospital. Sergio called an ambulance and also my brother. After a few hours bumping serum into my veins, I was discharged and Guille brought me to his apartment. He said that I’m lucky that the cop didn’t arrest me right away, <em>‘but there will be consequences, Valentina!’</em> my sweet brother yelled at me to let it very clear. I don’t want to be here but he won’t let me stay alone at my place after alcohol knocked me out again.</p><p>"Do you feel better?" Renata, his wife, gently asks me. I nod, feeling ashamed and even guilty for taking Guillermo out of their routine to look after me when his wife is seven months pregnant. She sits on the edge of the bed and hugs me, I’ve always liked her. I close my eyes to prevent the tears from dropping, and I succeed, only until my brother enters the room.</p><p>“Valentina,” taking into account his tired physiognomy, he's also only a drop away from giving up on me. “Tonight we are going to the meeting, be ready at 6:30. We gotta be there at 7pm!” He leaves the bedroom without saying anything else. He refers to the AA support group. This is Eva's idea, I'm sure. I’ve denied participating in these meetings before by the simple fact that<em> I am not an alcoholic.</em> I just drink. I could very well control myself if I wanted to. <em>If I wanted to.</em> I don't! Alcohol helps me to endure the days, it's a relief.</p><p>Renata kisses my cheek and also leaves. Apparently I'll have no choice but attend to that stupid group reunion.</p><p>Reluctantly, I did as my brother demanded and now we are inside his car on the way to the meeting. “This is your last chance, Vale! Don’t mess it up” He warns me as he parks in front of DOH, which stands for 'Dose of Hope’. What-ever!</p><p>We walked together into the building in absolute silence. A very nice gentleman welcomes us. I want to run far away from here, but something inside me makes me stay. Guille and I sit in the back of the room, which gradually gets crowded. People greet each other in a very warm manner, as if they’re good old friends. Some others are just like me - timid and scared to death.</p><p>Seven sharp, the meeting begins.</p><p>"Good evening everyone! My name is Beltran, I'm an alcoholic. I'm proudly sober for 2,931.64 days, which means a little over than 8 years. Welcome to Dose of Hope support group for addicts of any kind. This is an open meeting and we’re very glad to have all of you here – especially newcomers. I see we have a few newcomers tonight and I kindly would like to you to tell us your first name. If you'd like to share something else, we'll be equally very happy to hear you”.</p><p>That-made-me-sweat-like-a-pig! I felt my heart pounding heavily and my hands getting colder. Guille sensed my anxiety and held my thigh in support. A girl said her name and her compulsive shopping problem. Another man said his name and his gambling addiction. Then all eyes were on me. I’m sure my face is red as a tomato, because I could feel all my blood going up to my head.</p><p>I look to my brother and he grins trying to pass me confidence. I clean my throat and straighten my body on the chair. Beltran fondly smiled at me, and so did a few others.</p><p>“My name is … hmn,” <em>Where did my voice go?</em> I never felt so embarrassed in my whole crazy life. “My name is … Va … Valentina!” that’s all I’ve to say, I‘m not mentioning that I’m alcoholic because I AM NOT. After a few seconds of awkward silence, Beltran thanked us for introducing ourselves. I’m glad he respected my will to do not say anything other than my name. I looked down at my wristwatch and only seven minutes had passed, this night will be a torture! </p><p>“Now, we’ll pray and afterwards we start our talk. Shall we?” People gave hands and I simply watched them. I crossed my arms and placed my hands under my armpits. I’ve never been religious before, don’t expect me to become a pagan tonight. </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change,</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Courage to change the things we can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, and not as we would like it to be.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Trusting that He will make all things right, if we surrender to His will.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>May we be reasonably happy in this world and supremely happy in the next.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>I saw and heard some people crying. I can’t deny these words touched me somehow. Beltran opened his eyes and widely smiled to everyone. He passes a sensation of confidence, purity, calmness.</p><p>“Now we're going to initiate the discussion. Anyone who would like to share their story to the group, please feel encouraged to do so. We all are here to listen and learn. When the speaker has finished, if there are any other members that would like to add their thoughts or any similarities between your stories, please raise your hand and we'll listen to you as well”. Beltran explained and people politely nodded. I felt my legs weaken and cold sweat running down my forehead like a waterfall. It's a pleasant night, the weather isn't even that hot - though it is raining cats and dogs outside. </p><p>“Hello, my name is Adam”</p><p>“Hi Adam” A collective salute made the middle-age man blush. Glad to know that I’m not the only one terrified in here. He took a profound breath. There was a hiatus, he was clearly gathering courage to continue. I felt nervous for him.</p><p>“I’m a behavioral addict, I eat exaggeratedly - as you can all see” he referred to his overweight, pointing to his body. “I'm a sorta a guy who didn't really wanna admit my problems, and so I was very resistant to the idea of me being an addict, particularly since I was confidently sure that I could stop eating any time I wanted. I started eating compulsively at an early age, my house is full of uncontrollable behavior. My parents are also overweighed, my sisters, uncles and aunts. Along with it all, I've never been a popular guy, not in school, not in college, not in my adult life. Food has always been my best company and the only thing that makes me feel good. I never thought that it could become a disease. Soon I became diabetic, hypertensive, asthmatic, and depressive because of my fat body”.</p><p>Adam wiped some of his tears and I had to do a great effort to hold mine.</p><p>“Besides all health issues, I couldn't stop eating. Until, one day, my son and I were taking the subway and we didn't fit on the seats together. I couldn't sit side by side with my son because I'm too 'big'. That was when I truly looked at him and for the first time I realized he's going on the same path of mine. He's only thirteen years old - I can't be that bad example to him. I want him to look at me and have positive things to mirror. I want him to be inspired and have a healthier life than I do. So I searched for help and here I am. I started coming to the meetings and now I'm frequently exercising, obeying to my doctor's diet prescriptions, taking one day at a time. I've been under control for 234 days and I don't think on breaking this new record”.</p><p>Everyone excitedly applauded, I swallowed hard. I was yet stuck on the phrase <em>‘I was confidently sure that I could stop any time I wanted’.</em> It felt like a truck had hit me.</p><p>“Thanks for sharing Adam!” Beltran, again very affectionately, spoke in name of us all. Some people stood up and hugged Adam, who had a big smile on his face. Now, his countenance revealed nothing but pride and serenity. I glared at Guile and noticed that my brother was crying, he did not match my eyes.</p><p>“Hello, my name is Toni. I'm a cocaine addict and this the first time I feel comfortable to share”</p><p>“Hi Toni!” Again, everyone replied to the speaker. Toni is a young girl; I’d say she’s probably still in her teens. I saw Beltran widely smiling, he seemed to be very happy that the girl decided to speak.</p><p>“I also took a few years to accept I'm an addict. I've seen my father using drugs since I was a little baby and I lost count of how many times I'd promised to my mom and myself that I'd <em>never</em> be like him”. At this point she was crying intensely, and it felt impossible to do not let my tears drop too.</p><p>“I’ve learned the hardest way that <em>never</em> is a treacherous word. I started using marijuana, then my 'friends' introduced me to heavier drugs. The effect of narcotics made me feel bold, happy, spontaneous. I was able to do everything normal people do, I wasn't shy anymore. Day after day, I became even more addicted. It didn't feel wrong until the day I robbed my mother's purse to buy cocaine. She noticed it and tried to confront me,”</p><p>She paused to look at the crying woman by her side. The silence in the environment was so thick that it was nearly touchable.</p><p>"I hit my mom multiple times. I couldn't control my behavior and it felt like my body wasn't responding to my brain anymore. I started doing things I never thought I'd do. I was hurting people I love, people who only cared for my wellbeing. That awful night resulted in a broken nose and many blue bruises on my mother's face. I not only broke the promise that I wouldn't be like my father, as I also became someone much worse than him. I just don’t want to be that monster anymore. Then I clamed for help and DOH has been my salvation” She looked at Beltran and bashfully smiled, he returned the tender act.</p><p>“Very happy to announce to you my friends that I’m completing 60 days sober at this date. I couldn’t do it without my mother’s lovely support and, of course, without you guys!”  </p><p>Many people stood up to give her a standing ovation, even Guille did it. I felt my chest clenching and my heart beating a thousand times per minute. A tornado of emotions made me anxious, I’d run away from there when someone opened the room’s front door.</p><p>She's completely soaked. In her hand there is a motorcycle helmet, that explains why she’s so wet. Everyone immediately turned around to look at her. “I’m late! Sorry” her smile is surely one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. People laughed at her obvious comment, Beltran invited her to sit and join the meeting.</p><p>“What are we celebrating tonight?” She noticed that Toni was crying and happily beaming at the same time, Beltran then told her it's her 60th day being sober. “You are amazing!” She ran to hug Toni, all other members instantly cheered and giggled.</p><p>She lifted the young girl in her arms to spin their bodies a few times. The tension felt earlier had now completely dissolved. That woman filled the environment with joy and tranquility, even I relaxed. My brother looked at me and we exchanged smiles.</p><p>“Can I have the honor to give you the medallion?” She asked, Toni instantly agreed. I saw her open a cabinet drawer and take from it a small box - people clapped, whistled, and shouted excitedly. “60 days that we are very proud of you!” She handed a red roundel to Toni and the two shared another amorous embrace.</p><p>“Any other achievements today?” She asked after a while, the woman was now standing in the center of the room. A man shyly raised his hand, he’s completing 200 days sober. Tim is an alcoholic, his accomplishment made me wonder if I’ll ever be able to celebrate so many days without drinking. But for that, first and foremost, I have to accept that I’m an addict - and I am NOT!</p><p>After many hugs and compliments, Beltran announced he would end the meeting. I looked down my watch and it was already 8:30. For my surprise, time has passed quickly and I didn’t even realize it. They prayed again and when I thought it was time to finally leave, they announced that coffee and cookies would be served. I asked Guile to go home but he decided to have a talk with Beltran instead. </p><p>“Hi Valentina!” I jumped in fright at hearing my name. I turn around and there’s a young man occupying my personal space and smiling from ear to ear showing all his teeth. “I’m Jeremy, you can call me Jem” I don’t say anything, just nod. “Happy to have you here for the first time!” he insists; it will be a monologue because I won’t open my mouth. “I’m a videogame addict, in case you're wondering” Well, I wasn’t, but ‘thanks for sharing’. He finally comes to sense that I’m not up for a chit-chat, so he just winks and walks away.</p><p>I see Guille waving toward me at a distance, he probably told my life's history to Beltran. In an attempt to dodge from their critical stare, I turn my head to the side and realize that a pair of coffee eyes were scanning me. The woman quickly tries to deviate her gaze. <em>Too late, I saw the way you were checking me up!</em> In other circumstances I’d be mad, but strangely, I felt pleased. A smile formed in my lips and I shook my head to dispel such thoughts. <em>Not a proper place to flirt, Valentina!</em> I walk toward my brother, and again, ask him to take me home - I just want to get out of here.</p><p>“Valentina, we’re very glad that you could join us tonight!” Beltran shakes my hand and I smile to don’t be rude. “Hope to see you again in our next meeting”. <em>I won’t come back here, ever! </em>My brother shoots me a ‘please-behave’ look as if he could read my mind. “Just please don’t be late like Juliana,” he looked at her direction in a playful manner, she was again staring. I don’t know why, but even though she’s across the room, I can kinda feel her warmth. Maybe I’m getting crazy. “My daughter is not that rebel; she’s just too busy at work sometimes. Her presence here is always a blessing, all members like her very much!” he justified it to Guille because I was with my attention somewhere else. I caught myself smiling while looking at her, now she’s giving her back to me. <em>Afraid of something, Miss Juliana?</em> I chuckle at my silly thoughts.</p><p>“Thank you Mr. Valdés, I’m thrilled to know that my sister will have very good people around during her treatment” Guillermo’s voice pops my particular bubble. I nod again, forcing a smile. We walk out and I remain silent all the way back to my brother’s place.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. C2. 3Rs</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Juliana’s POV  </strong>
</p><p>Shit, I’m late. I’m soooo freaking late!</p><p>I got carried away while drawing again. I save all the sketches and quickly shut my computer down. “Mati, I’m leaving! Dad will kill me” I announce, he laughs hard.</p><p>Matias and I have been working together for two years, but we know each other from a while ago - design school. We became close friends since day one at college. After we graduated, we decided to become business partners and it has worked out perfectly. Our studio is branching out and our brand is each day more recognized.</p><p>As we’re on each other’s lives for a little more than six years now, he’s aware of all my weaknesses – my addiction included. Mati has always been a true friend, and it showed even more during my hardest times.</p><p>“Tell your father that you also need to work on your workaholic side!” he stands up to kiss my cheeks but I playfully push him away. “Ha ha, funny! I ain’t the one who went home past midnight yesterday, was I?” I defy him, we’re always mocking each other. It’s the usual dynamic in our friendship.</p><p>Matias, just like me, loves what we do for a living. We could spend hours and hours drawing, sewing, or simply talking about fashion. It’s more than a job, it’s a lifestyle - a passion. That is one of the million reasons why we get along so well.</p><p>“I wouldn’t have to stay at work until so late if my partner had helped me with the photoshoot, isn’t that right?” he tries to imitate my voice but it sounded awfully bad. “Sorry Mati, photoshoots are your responsibility man! We already discussed that” I reply as I lock the helmet’s clasp under my chin. He knows why I can't attend photo sessions. And even though Mati and my father think I’m already able to be in a room full of semi-naked hot models, I rather not risk myself.</p><p>“Ok, I won't push you. Tell Beltran I sent a hug” Matias is very fond of my dad, and vice-versa. I zip up my leather jacket, set my backpack in place, and hug my best friend before I walk out to face that rainstorm. “Drive safely” he gives two knocks on my helmet producing a loud noise in my ears. Before I can protest, he returns to his desk.</p><p>“Have a great night, Mati. Don’t show up here tomorrow without getting laid!” he’s got a hot date tonight, an old crush from college times - he’s been talking about it the whole damn week. “Love you jackass!” I shout to him already crossing the door and he lifts his middle finger to me. “Love you too bitch!” I barely hear his voice as a thunder resonates loudly.</p><p>“Come on Emmy, give to momma all you got!” I climb on my motorcycle and like the many lightning striking above us, we speedily make our way to DOH. It turns out traffic wasn’t that bad and in less than twenty minutes we arrived safe and soundly – but completely wet, as expected. I park Emmy on a safe spot and run inside. I check my watch and it’s already 8:12pm. Dad-will-kill-me!</p><p>I try to shake off the excess of water before I enter. My left hand holds my helmet and my right turns the door handle to release the latch. As the door slowly opens, I can hear excited shouts and claps. Suddenly, silence. They're now all staring at me. My father's mustache twists and I already know I’m in deep trouble.</p><p>“I’m late! Sorry” I lift both shoulders and offer them my best smile. People start laughing and dad tells me to join the group. I let my helmet and backpack in the corner of the room and take off my soaked jacket. “What are we celebrating tonight?” I question to dispel all the attention that was over me; it might not seem at first sight, but I can be <em>very</em> shy.</p><p>Dad then tells me that Toni is completing her 60th day sober. That makes SO HAPPY. Toni and I have been talking a lot recently, she has come a long and hard way to finally open herself up.</p><p>I’ve been there, I know how difficult and painful it is to admit our weaknesses. It’s tortuous and scaring, but it’s the only way. We all must have courage to face our demons at some point, in order to be cured. And don’t get me wrong, the demons never really disappear – we just get better on taming them.</p><p>“You are amazing!” I run to hug Toni, she’s shedding happy tears and so am I. More rewarding than our own achievements are our friends’ triumphs. I lifted her in my arms, the girl is light like a plume. We spin a few times and I can hear the other members laughing. I put her down and look straight into her proud eyes, “Can I have the honor to give you the medallion?” she smiles and nods. I walk to the cabinet and take the achievement’s box from the drawer - claps, whistles, and shouts. That’s the most expected celebration in our little community. “Sixty days that we are very proud of you!” I hand to Toni the red roundel with the 60 days’ emblem and we share another sweet embrace.</p><p>“Thank you, Juli!” She whispers in my ear, “You’ve earned it, Toni!” I whisper back and I can feel her smile even without seeing her face. Maria, her mother, fondly grins and mouths to me a silent ‘God bless you!’. I wink to her and before I start crying harder, I walk to the center of the room. “Any other achievements today?” Manuel shyly raises his hand; he’s completing 200 days clean from alcohol.</p><p>“Two hundred days that we are very proud of you!” he hugs me tightly and I reciprocate the act with all the strength and love I have in my being. “Thank you so much, Juli. I couldn’t have make it without all the help!” he cups my face with both hands and we smile truthfully to each other. I take a green roundel from the box with the 200 days’ emblem. “You’ll always have us to rely on” I pass medallion to him, he kisses it, and places the object against his chest. “Together we’re better!” We say in unison and I hug him once more.</p><p>After a couple minutes, dad tells us to sit because he’ll close the meeting. I sit on my usual chair, next to my father. It's when I glimpse at a newcomer.</p><p>Angelical face, sculptural body, pink fleshy lips, golden wavy hair, the most perfect blue eyes I’ve ever seen. My throat dries and my face instantly heats up. I can feel my heart throbbing in very improper places; my hands are now shaking and I know that it means trouble. <em>Shit!</em> <em>Control yourself Juliana. One, two, three…</em> I start counting until my father announces that it is time for the final prayer. <em>Thank heavens!</em> All I needed right at this moment - something else to focus on and make these bad stimulus fade away.</p><p>We gave our thanks, then dad reminded us about exercising the 3Rs mantra and also of the next meeting. The reunion is officially over and we are invited to have some cookies and coffee. I practically run to the table to drink some cold water - I gotta cool down.</p><p>Adam, Toni and Maria join me after a while. We eat some cookies and excitedly comment about the great meeting we had tonight. At my peripheral vision, I can see the man who was sat next to the blue eyes talking to my father. She’s alone in a corner, visibly scared. I feel like I should walk over there, but my conscience doesn’t allow me to.</p><p>She's terrified and that sight of hers makes me really want to go there and give her a hug. Jeremy approached, I feel glad that someone decided to make her company, that way she won’t feel alone. Her tongue slides over her teeth and bottom lip. FUCK! That was ... very sexy. J<em>ULIANA!</em> I scold myself and try to pay attention to what my friends in front of me are saying, but it’s quite impossible.</p><p>She’s clearly annoyed, Jem doesn’t know when to stop. I chuckle, she’s adorable and hot. <em>JULIANA VALDES, for god’s sake</em>! I can't do that, I’ve been in such dark places before and I'm not willing to put my 1042 days at stake. Breath in, just brea… my eyes betray me and now I'm checking her curvy butt. A knot forms in my throat and I can feel my blood running faster through my veins. Adrenaline says hi! Is it me or the room is getting hotter?<em> Damn it, she's gorgeous. Okaaay, gorgeous is a euphemism. I’d spend at least three days savoring her in bed! By her style, I can tell she’s a loud screamer</em>… <em>no no NO!</em> I try to shake those thoughts, but my eyes are still fixed on her. That woman attracts me like a magnet.</p><p>When I finally reach her face, I realize she's also looking at me. Guilty! <em>Stupid impulses, she'll think I’m a maniac. Well, in parts I am. Wait, I was – 1042 days sober, remember?</em></p><p>I repeat the numbers in my head until it can remind me all the tribulations I’ve been through and how hard it was to overcome my deplorable old habits. I give my back to her and do my best to focus on what Adam is saying. Toni may have noticed my distress, because she puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. I inhale and exhale slowly, sending as much oxygen to my brain as possible.</p><p>A couple minutes passes until I hear the front door being shut - she left. My father looks at me and fondly smiles, I reciprocate it. One by one, people go home. I help dad to organize the chairs whilst he cleans the tables. I have to mop the floor as my 'punishment' for being late and interrupting the meeting.</p><p>All set, we were also ready to go.</p><p>“Hard day at work?” that’s his polite way to ask me why I was late. “Not so much. I just got carried away with some designs, you know how I'm". He giggles and nods, dad can't be mad at me not even for a single hour. "Sorry for not arriving on time” he accepts my apologies with a warm hug. “Just don’t make of it a routine. People will accuse me of favoritism!” I laugh, and he does too.</p><p>Dad and I have always been great friends above and before all. We can talk about anything at any time, there aren't absolutely no secrets between us. Our relationship only gets better with time - especially after all that we’ve been through together. <em>Always together</em>. </p><p>My mother [Lupe] asked for the divorce when I was seven. It surely was a shock, but he never abandoned me - the fact that my parents were dissolving their marriage, didn't mean we'd have to be apart from each other. Their separation was very friendly, my mother didn’t love him anymore and dad had to deal with his new reality. But as nothing is as easy as it seems, his heart didn’t want to let go, so he started drinking compulsively to maybe be able to accept it all.  </p><p>Depression can be brutal. But I never let him give up, and my mother also helped him, they’re still good friends – they just weren’t meant to be eternal lovers. Now, sober, healed, and much wiser, dad says that some loves were meant to exist, but not to happen. And that is true, though hard to admit.</p><p>Beltran Valdés had stormy years, he became an alcoholic. But he overcame it, him and I, as best pals do. He 'found' Jesus, as he likes to joke, and he also found Alicia. He got married and decided to found this support group to help other people with similar addiction problems.</p><p>We couldn’t only imagine that <strong>I </strong>would be one of those people to need help.</p><p>About three years ago, I finally accepted that I've an obsession with sex. As I work surrounded by beautiful and sexy models, I thought my impulses were something normal.</p><p>I came out to my parents when I was sixteen, and surprisingly, mom dealt with the 'news' in a better way than my father did. But after lots of talking and reading, both accepted me as I am. I’m a very lucky person. The problem presented itself to me when I realized that I was finding it difficult to date a girl for a long period of time.</p><p>I'd have a date per week. That worked perfectly fine for a few years, until it became a daily habit. I’d go to parties, find someone to have casual sex, satisfy myself, leave the next morning guiltless, and repeat the ritual on the following night. Then sex at night wasn’t sufficient anymore, so I began to have intercourse with models – in my car, in the bathroom, inside my office, and the worst part: during work hours.</p><p>In one beautiful day, very sarcastically, my secretary didn't knock and caught me licking one of the models on my desk, and of course it wasn’t a pleasant scene to witness. Matias and I had a bad fight over it, for the first time my best friend didn’t talk to me for over an entire month. I thought he would break our partnership, but instead, he offered me help. That's when I realized I was out of control, and so I had an open and honest talk with my father about it.</p><p>He fully supported me, as we always do to one another. I started therapy and also frequenting the DOH – now I’m only 53 days away from completing three years free of these ‘exaggerated desires’. It’s not easy, but I do my best. We all do!</p><p>“How’s Alicia?” I ask as he walks me to my motorcycle. <em>It stopped raining, great!</em> “She’s good, she misses you. Do you want to come over and have dinner with us?” I put on my helmet as I climb on Emmy.</p><p>“I can’t tonight dad, I promised Jojo I’d help him with college applications. The boy's freaking out!”</p><p>Juan – or Jojo, as I affectionately call him – is my brother. My mother married Panchito when I was nine, and she had other two children. Juan - 17 years old, and Jimena – 13 years old, baby of the family. And yeah, mom has some kind of fixation for the letter J. We’re also known as the ‘JJJ trio’. We all get along very well, I’m very lucky to be part of two wonderful families.</p><p>“Oh ok. Go and be an awesome sister! Send hugs to your mother and Panchito” he kisses my hand and I do the same with his. “Tell Alicia I’ll show up any day soon, or we could also go out to eat something! It's been a while we don't have a fam date” he nods and hugs me tightly. “We’ll do! Be careful while driving, alright? See you next meeting. Love you, kiddo!” he taps my helmet, I don’t understand why people like to knock my head so much like that. “Love you too, pops!” We say our goodbyes and I drive away.</p><p>Stopped on a red light, my memory drifts back to the blue eyes and her perfect body. A hot wave again spreads on my insides. ‘<em>Fifty-three days to complete three years’</em>, I repeat it to myself like a mantra. A loud honk wakes me up from my thoughts, I hit the gas and Emmy flies in between the cars.</p><p>I'm glad I’ll spend time with my family tonight, otherwise I’d might fall in temptation.   </p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>*Two weeks later*</strong>
</p><p>It’s a busy day at the studio. We're launching a new collection and there are thousands of people crazily walking around. Mati and I will have a press round of talk in a couple hours, that means, I’ll have to face the many reporters on my own because my partner will be in the photoshoot session. Nothing I can’t handle. I rather answer millions of stupid questions to gossip magazines and unprepared ‘professionals’ than being surrounded by thirty or more half-naked models in a small room.</p><p>I lock myself inside my office, I need a break from all this noise. My coffee is already cold, but I drink it anyway. My cellphone starts ringing for the thousandth time only this morning. I answer it in a bad mood. “Yeah Mati… what? How? No, I need you here for the photoshoot. No way I’m doing it. Matias, you know very well that I can’t do it!”</p><p>DAMMIT! He hung up.</p><p>I call him a few times but he doesn’t answer. Then I run to my secretary’s desk and ask her to make contact with Mati as soon as possible. He said something about having an urgent matter to solve, but <em>nothing </em>can be worse than Juliana Valdés being the manager of a photo-fucking-shoot. I can’t do it, I’m only thirty-nine days to complete three years clean. I can’t risk it. I CANNOT RISK IT!</p><p>Fuck. My hands are sweating and my saliva dries out. My secretary tells me that Mati’s phone is going straight to the answering machine. <em>Did the bastard turn the cellphone off? </em>I’ll kill him if that’s the case. The damn session is in forty minutes, I’m screwed.</p><p>As my partner disappeared and is currently unreachable, I’ll have to assume his position. No other way. I take deep breaths and do my best to keep my impulses under control. I decide that I won’t watch the session, I’ll only tell the photographer how I want the pictures taken and let him do his job.</p><p>I can sense the models walking by, even though I force myself to maintain my gaze fixed on my tablet. The immeasurable despair inside my chest is just about to trigger a panic attack, I can feel it. I reach for my cup of water, or better, a cup filled with ice cubes. I chew the cubes and tap my fingers on the table marking a pace, maybe it will distract me until all this is done and I can run back to my safe cave.</p><p>“Hello yooou, Miss beauty Valdés!” A sexy tone calls me and I look up; it belongs to one of the models that I fucked in the bathroom years ago. All the images of myself going down on her instantly pass before my eyes. Shiiiiit!  </p><p>“Hi!” I answer with an almost inaudible voice, she waves her fingers and winks. <em>For fuck’s sake, don’t-do-that!</em> I close my eyes to ‘delete’ those obscene scenes of my mind, but then I hear her moaning my name in my ears. <em>I won’t lose it, I’m stronger than just an impulse! You can do it, just concentrate</em>. I tell myself and begin to pray, <em>‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can….’</em> I feel a hand massaging my forearm but I keep my eyelids shut.</p><p>“And wisdom to know the difference” A woman completes the prayer. I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard that voice before. As fast as I can, I open my eyes and my heart almost comes out my throat. It’s her - the blue eyes from the meeting.</p><p>She hasn’t returned, and even though it might sound selfish, I was glad she didn’t show up. She awakened really strong emoti… hunger in me. And now she’s here - perfumed and beautiful. <em>Wait, why is she here? Is she a model?</em> That’s it! She’s gotta be a model. <em>Why haven’t I ever seen her before?</em> Or… no, no no! It can't be ... What if … <em>Have we met before? Did we have sex?</em></p><p>“What a coincidence, if it isn’t the wet woman?!” her comment startles me. <em>What a sweet voice se has, ma-Lord!</em> Does that woman have any flaws? “Valentina!” She reaches out her hand and I don’t take it. I can’t touch you. She's probably thinking I’m an asshole for not greeting her as a normal human being would. <em>Sorry, but I ain’t normal, Greek goddess!</em> Juliana, please control yourself.</p><p>“Boss, the session will start in ten!” My secretary shouts, taking both of us out of that trance.</p><p>“Thanks!” I reply. The pair of blue eyes are still staring at me fiercely. I can’t tell if that is sexual tension or if she’s mad.</p><p>“You should probably go get changed,” I advise her and she frowns in response.</p><p>Half minute of an awkward silence prevails between us until she finally breaks it. “Why should I go get changed to take pictures?” She sounds legitimately confused.</p><p>To me it’s quite obvious, isn’t it? “I mean… all the other models are already set”. We lock our gazes, she chuckles. “I don’t think you got it right, I came to <em>take</em> the pictures, not to be on it!” She points to a huge camera hanging around her neck, it’s resting against her chest. How haven’t I noticed it before? <em>She's the photographer ... Oh shit!</em></p><p>My eyes, as always, betray me and I can't help but stare at the cleavage of her blouse. Perfect roundy boobs! I start imagining how pinky are her nipples and how hard it would get in my tongue.</p><p>“Mmn mmn” She cleans her throat.</p><p>“Shit!” I think it out loud and that's my cue. “I gotta, uuhn … go. I’ll be right back. You can start it without me”.</p><p>I ran as fast as my wobbly legs allow me. I need to be alone, so I enter the bathroom and lock myself inside. My clit is on fire, throbbing and ready to be touched. I can feel the humidity forming a pool on my panties. The urge to put my hand inside my pants is enormous, but I need to resist. I take my cellphone out of my back pocket and call my father, he doesn’t answer. I call again. “Come ooon, pick up the damn phone!” Nothing. I grab my silver medallion and stare at the 1000 days emblem on it. I can’t give in now. Reset, realign, restart. Reset, realign, restart. Reset, realign, restart! I repeat the 3Rs mantra and it gradually helps me to calm down.</p><p>Music, that’s it! I open my Spotify and hit the shuffle button. Livin’ la vida Loca by Ricky Martin starts playing. <em>‘She's into superstitions black cats and voodoo dolls…’</em> I try to sing along to fill my brain with something else other than the fetish of having sex with Valentina. It worked until… <em>‘She'll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain’</em></p><p>“NO! No one is taking the clothes off! SHIT”</p><p>I change the song and ‘I kissed a girl’ by Katy Perry starts playing. “No no NO!!!” It’s hard to keep ourselves sober from a sex addiction when society is so pornographic all the time. Suddenly, I hear a feel knocks on the door. I shut down the app and remain myself quiet as humanly possible.</p><p>“Boss, are you ok? Matias has arrived and he’s already instructing the photographer and the models” that was the message of my savior.</p><p>“OH, PRAISE-THE-LORD!” I shout and instantly walk out the bathroom. My secretary stares at me, utterly confused. “I need to take a walk, I’ll be back on time for the press round talk!” Without further ado, I leave the studio. Only fresh air and a strawberry milkshake can save my skin right now.              </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. C3. Crossed paths</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Valentina’s POV</strong>
</p><p>I leave V&amp;V studio after the photo shoot. I don’t even recall the last time I had an opportunity as good as this. The payment will be excellent and my photos will be on the cover of some famous magazine. The only thing that is annoying me is how that idiot treated me. Who does she think she is? Well, she is <em>the</em> Juliana Valdés, one of the most famous designers in Mexico. How could I not recognize her that day on that stupid AA session? She's very different from what magazines and newspapers show her to be. I thought she wasn't that arrogant, but she is. Total jerk!</p><p>I finally get home after a tiring day, all I need is a hot shower, my couch and a cold beer.</p><p>Before I can even put the key in the door lock, I hear “night, Valentina”. I don't even have to turn around to know that Sergio has a stupid smile on his ugly face. "Good evening!" I answer with as much patience as I can muster, he approaches. “Here, I believe this is yours. I'm sorry” He hands me a paper; I frown at him before taking it. Sergio shyly smiles, as if he's genuinely feeling bad for me. Only then do I realize what the paper is about. A court order. Triple shit!</p><p>"A bailiff came to you earlier, as you weren't home, he asked if I could receive the document in your name." He justifies and I don't know how to react. "Uhm, thanks!" That's all I can say before I storm into my apartment and close the door. Am I in trouble? I sit on the couch and read the document, I'm being sentenced to do three months of community service and obliged to attend an AA support group, otherwise, jail. Great! Just because I crashed that stupid police patrol. I make my way straight to the fridge, open a can of beer and turn it all over in a gulp. The cold liquid tickles down my throat, the alcohol quickly reaches to my brain. I open another, and another, six. At the end of the seventh can, I sit on the kitchen floor and cry.</p><p>What am I doing with my fucking life?</p><p>I wake up next day with my cell phone ringing, an unbearable migraine is killing me! "Yeah??" I answer without even checking on who is calling. “Valentina? Hey, here’s Matias from V&amp;V”. Shit! I sit up as fast as I can, my head spins, but I do my best to don’t sound too hungover. "Oh, hi Matias!" He laughs, probably noticed that I've just woken up. I'm not going to apologize; no one should call other people that early in the morning. It should be a common rule to call only after ten, right?</p><p>“Valentina, would you be able to come to the studio today? I need to talk to you”. Am I in double trouble?</p><p>Once again, I screwed up. I let out a high-strung breath before answering, “I sure can. What time?" He murmurs, probably looking at his schedule. “How about 2:30 this afternoon? Is it good for you?” I scratch my eyes and try to remain serene. "Yes, I’ll be there!" I hear him talking to his secretary and after a few seconds, he simply replies “Perfect! See you in half an hour!”</p><p>Half an hour? What the…? I hang up and look at the phone screen, 2pm. …FUCK!!!!!</p><p>I run to the bathroom and shower in incredible five minutes. I wash my hair and brush my teeth. I won't have time to put any makeup on, luckily my hangover face doesn't look thaaat bad. I dress casually, grab a Redbull from the fridge and swallow an aspirin. I'm ready in less than ten minutes, I just didn't count on the traffic being so jammed.</p><p>I'm ten minutes late. <em>What a way to show you're a responsible professional Valentina!</em> Well, I'm not. Who am I trying to convince, if I can't even believe it myself? I sit in the waiting room and hear screams coming from Matias' office. It's her voice. Apparently, they are not agreeing on whatever is being discussed.</p><p>"You are being immature and selfish, Juliana!"</p><p>“Am I being selfish Matias? Put yourself on my damn shoes!”</p><p>"Until when? How long will you continue to use that card of victim against me?”</p><p>“Victim? That's what you think, that I'm playing the victim? You really don't understand anything then. And it's not your place to judge me! But I won't discuss this right now, just don't do that. Please”</p><p>"I already did it! This studio is mine as much it's yours. I've the absolute right of making decisions and this one is done and not up to change!”</p><p>“Is that how it’s gonna be from now on? Fine. Do as you want!”</p><p>“Mature the fuck up, Juliana”</p><p>I see her leaving the office, her face burning in anger. She slams the door and stomps out. She didn't even notice my presence.</p><p>The secretary bashfully smiles at my direction, I grin back. After a couple minutes, her desk phone rings. "Matias said you can go in now, Miss Carvajal!" She tells me, I feel cold sweat running down my spine. I slowly walk toward the office and Matias greets me at the door, a warm hug and a very welcoming smile calms me down a little. I can't help but notice sadness in his eyes, but he seems to be too professional to let it affect business.</p><p>“Please Valentina, have a seat! Coffee?" He offers and I accept. <em>Do I have alcohol breath?</em> The gentle man passes me a cup and sits on his chair, right in front of me. "I'll be straightforward!" I simply nod. Here it comes! Welcome to the part of my life which everything always goes wrong. "I called you here because the photos you took yesterday are absolutely amazing". <em>WHAT? Come again?</em> “I've been looking for a talented photographer like you for a loooong long time. You're sensible, attentive to details. It's amazing. And now that I've found you, I don't want to miss the opportunity that the universe is throwing on my lap. I would like to offer you an exclusive contract with V&amp;V”</p><p>Exclusive contract? <em>This is ... is that a prank? Where are the hidden cameras?</em> He smiles at me, clearly waiting for a reaction. It's true, my God! Matias is not joking. I've been unemployed for a year, my career was crumbling and now .... wow!</p><p>“What do you say? I don’t know if you currently have an active contract, but if you’re working for any other agency, I can offer you double of what you’re being paid. I … <em>we</em> really want you in the team”.</p><p>“Of course, I accept. I mean, it will be a pleasure to work for V&amp;V!” I try to stay composed, but an intense joyfulness invades me. “And no, I don’t have any other contract active at the moment. I'm free as a bird!” Stupid thing to say, but he laughs. This is so unreal, I want to cry and scream of happiness.</p><p>For a very long time I've only experienced the bitter taste of defeat, and the sweet pleasure of winning again is indescribable.</p><p>"Great! I'm so happy to hear that” He gets up and gives me a sincere, heartfelt and amiable hug. I almost cry, maybe I am too sensible. “I'm going to ask our lawyers to redact the contract and I'll call you as soon as it's ready to sign. You start next week, okay? We have an important event coming soon and I want you to be there with us”</p><p>This can only be a dream! Am I still drunk sleeping on my couch?</p><p>"Matias!" The door opens, we both turn to see Juliana standing there, petrified. He deeply sighs, I stay inaudible. She stares at me for a few seconds, then deviate her aghast gaze. Why is she doing that? I don't understand why she doesn't like me. "I'll talk to you later!" She declares looking at the floor. Obviously she meant talking to Matias, but for some crazy reason, I wished she had said that to me. But Juliana leaves without pronouncing a single word to me.</p><p>“Pardon my partner’s lack of manners. She’s usually better than that, much better in fact. Juliana is just in a bad day, that has lasted three years. Sometimes we disagree on a few terms, but she’s still my best friend and the most talented person I know in this business”. He justified, even though it wasn’t necessary. Clearly, he’s feeling bad for their earlier fight. <em>What does he mean by a bad day that has lasted three years?</em> And why were they arguing so fiercely? Were they arguing over me? Maybe she doesn't want Matias to offer me the contract? </p><p>"Anyway, sorry about that!" His voice snaps me out of my thoughts, then I see him wiping a teardrop. The only reaction I can assemble is a yellow smile, and that's what I offer. “Welcome to V&amp;V, Valentina. It will be a pleasure to work with a very talented photographer as you!” He reaches his right hand out, I set formalities aside and hug him again. I am sooo damn happy.</p><p>“Thank you for the opportunity, Matias, I will not disappoint. I swear!"</p><p>I know that Juliana is probably just awaiting for a mistake of mine, and so is Guille, and Eva, my mother, and everyone else in the universe, but I'm not going to mess things up. Not this time.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Juliana’s POV</strong>
</p><p>Matias and I had a bad argument last night. He couldn't have left me alone for the photoshoot. This is his responsibility, I almost lost control, I nearly did. Three tough years of arduous dedication to remain stable, and because of one night - a woman in particular -  all my hard work almost goes down the drain.</p><p>I arrived earlier at the studio today. Only work can keep me focused, but I really need to talk to dad, I'm looking forward to the group meeting tonight.</p><p>I let my designs consume my body, mind, and soul. It's already afternoon when my secretary opens the door to inform that Matias has finally arrived. I look at the clock, 2pm sharp. I urgently need something to eat.</p><p>Time went by quickly and I didn't even realize how fast, maybe I'm really becoming a workaholic. NO, no more addictions in my life. I get up and march straight to his office. I knock on the door before I walk in, he is talking to someone on the phone.</p><p>"Sit down, I'm almost done here" He murmurs to me before continuing the conversation, “Perfect! See you in half an hour!”</p><p>He hangs up and looks at me. We remain silent for a while, there is still some tension after the many mean words we shouted at each other last night. I feel bad, I know he does too. We're best friends, and hurting someone we love, is hurting ourselves twice as much.</p><p>"How are you?" he finally breaks the ice. "Fine, you?" Matias nods, smiles and gets up to hug me. Our silence spoke a thousand words.</p><p>"I'm sorry for yelling at you yesterday, but my opinion remains the same!" I rub my tearful eyes when we pull from the embrace; this attitude irritates me to the fullest, but I try to keep my composure. “I don't want to talk about this, Mati. I'm not here to fight over it again” He impatiently sighs and pulls me to the sofa, we sit facing each other.</p><p>"If we fight over it, it's because you are a stubborn coward!" He insists. "It's past time for you to start dating again, Jules!"</p><p>"You know, very well, that I can't!" I reply furiously, I get up so I don't have to look at his stupid face.</p><p>For a while now, he has been insisting on this ill-advised idea that I should restart dating to overcome my phobia of women. And it may makes some sense, my obsession turned into irrational fear. But dating won't fix anything. A regular girlfriend won't make me less addicted to sex. He can’t possibly understand. I am three years without intercourse or any kind of carnal contact, and it’s not as simple as putting myself out there and hoping for the best. Okay that there's no medical recommendation that prevents me on having a girlfriend or casual - healthy - sex, but how can I be sure that my addiction won't trigger again? I cannot afford to put my achievements at stake.</p><p>It is not as easy as it seems.</p><p>“You should talk to your dad about this. This fright of socializing cannot dominate your life forever. Juliana, it's been three years. You are the strongest and most determined person I know. It is time to live normally, have some fun, meet new people, allow your heart to love again...”</p><p>“But I love. I love dad, my siblings, mom, and you. Love Alicia and Panchito, love my job. And that's enough". Matias also stands up, he faces the window giving his back to me. I know he's striving to bite his tongue and don't say anything that could insult me. Too late, I already feel offend by his gibberish insistence. I love him, but I hate when people try to dictate what I should do with my life as if knowing what's inside my chest. No one could ever know, not even imagine.</p><p>"You don't understand. Please, don't insist on that!” I put an end to this subject before I lose my temper. "Wanna go out to eat something? I didn't have lunch yet, my stomach is craving for junky food” I still can't look him in the eyes, he lets out a sarcastic laugh.</p><p>"I can't. I have a meeting in a few minutes" He nonchalantly replies; I know he's dead mad at me. “I'm going to hire the photographer from yesterday's photoshoot, her work is excellent. Very skilled and talented!”</p><p>I got stuck on the photographer part, come again? It cannot be fucking true.</p><p>“Valentina? Are you going to hire Valentina like this, bolt from the blue?” I ask, despairingly. He looks at me inquisitively, then shrugs.</p><p>“It's not out of nowhere. She’s very good, for years I've been looking for someone with her precise eyes. Come see these incredible pictu-"</p><p>I interrupt him before he can even show me any freaking pictures. This cannot happen! "You can't hire her!" Matias puffs, confused. “Why not? She’s brilliant. We need a professional that matches the quality of our works”. I calmly stop in front of him and take his hands between mine. “Mati, there are thousands of other photographers out there. Man, just hire a man!” Right then he understood the reason for my despair.</p><p>“Juliana, CUT-THIS-SHIT-OFF! Can you be professional at least once? Valentina is excellent and compatible to our style. I'll hire her, no discussion on that”. He's upset, I know. But I can't let him do that. That woman aroused very strong desires, like a dose of venom enough to give rise to a new obsession, with an only outcome: instant death.</p><p>It will not be possible to see her every day and maintain my impulses tamed. I know that hiding is not the best way of facing my demons, but torture is also cruelty.</p><p>"Matias, not her!" He sighs deeply, ready to burst. “Enough Juliana, I'm tired of it! I'm your friend and exactly for that reason I cannot let you continue jeopardizing our brand because you cannot control the mini Juliana inside your pants. It's past time to break down the walls that you’ve built around yourself. You won’t be able to hide from all women forever. You-are-healed”</p><p>“You don't know that! Nobody is ever cured from an addiction, Matias! It's not like a normal disease you take a medicine every day and night, and one day you wake up some day screaming <em>'heeeey, let's celebrate suddenly I'm all healthy again!</em>' I don't want step back into darkness, you don't know anguish like I do. You, of all people, saw how horrible it was. I sought help because of you. Matias, you witnessed how harmful and destructive this addiction can be”.</p><p>“Cariño, I know! But it's time to move on”. His voice is now softer; I could see tears forming in his eyes. That tore me down. "How can I move on when my legs are still weak, Matias?" I cry out, fear is stronger than bravery. “Listen. Just, please, don't hire her. Please!" I plead, he withholds.</p><p>"You are being immature and selfish, Juliana!"</p><p>“Am I being selfish Matias? Put yourself on my damn shoes!”</p><p>"Until when? How long will you continue to use that card of victim against me?”</p><p>“Victim? That's what you think, that I'm playing the victim? You really don't understand anything then. And it's not your place to judge me! But I won't discuss this right now, just don't do that. Please”</p><p>"I already did it! This studio is mine as much it's yours. I've the absolute right of making decisions and this one is done and not up to change!”</p><p>"Is that how it’s gonna be from now on? Fine. Do as you want!”</p><p>“Mature the fuck up, Juliana”</p><p>I leave the office and slam the door. Asshole! Matias manages to be the best and the worst friend on earth at the same time. I walk into my office and pour myself a glass of cold water. My hands are shaking and my mind is on fire.</p><p>As much as I don't want to admit, deep down I know Matias is right. I can't let fear consume me like this. I run my hands over my face and take deep breaths. Shit! I need to convince him to do not hire Valentina. I need to explain him what she made me feel raw, devastatingly turned on, ready to give in.</p><p>I run back to his office, open the door. "Matias!" Damnmit. She is here. I feel like crying, my stomach twists. How can she do that to me with a mere look? She keeps the pair of intimidating blue eyes on me. My face burns, my heart races. I must get out of here, before her perfume intoxicates my lungs. “I'll be back later” I keep my gaze toward the floor and close the door. I need to talk to dad, urgently.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. C4. The Beauty of Nothingness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>JULS POV</strong>
</p><p>Alicia receives me with a heartfelt hug. She’s a lovely woman. Dad married Alicia when I was sixteen, and there’s no overstatement when I say that life gifted me with a second mom. I’m lucky.</p><p>We walk to the kitchen and she serves me a slice of fresh orange cake. It just came out of the oven, the delicious smell spreading through the house. It’s possible to see hot waves of vapor coming out the piece in my fork, just the way I like it. This is home. It’s what calms me down, keep me grounded. But Alicia knows me too well, and from the minute I walked in, she detected that something is off.</p><p>“How’s work?” She sits in front of me, showing a sweet and comforting grin.         </p><p>“Work’s fine” My positive answer obviously doesn’t convince her.</p><p>“The eyes chica, they never lie” She quotes one of my favorite movies, Scarface - 1984. That makes me smile for the first time today.</p><p>Alicia holds my hand, the warmth and affection from the simple touch make my eyes water. I stand up and run to her arms. She hugs me tight, speaking words of comfort into my ear. Alicia is a rock, and under pressure, she transforms into a beautiful diamond. She not only came to dad’s life to love him, she rescued Beltran Valdes. She’s his safe place, and mine as well, whenever I need.</p><p>“I had a bad fight with Mati. In fact, we argued twice. Last night and a few hours ago”</p><p>She pulls my face until she can look at me in the eyes. I stare at the floor, I’m ashamed and vulnerable. Alicia can read people too easily; must be the especial connection she has with God, as dad likes to say.</p><p>“Juli, your addiction is not who you are,” she brushes my hair with her fingers, I feel an instant peace settling in my heart. “It’s just part of your story, not what defines you”.</p><p>See? That’s what I’m talking about. I don’t even need to tell her anything, she seems to see through my soul. It’s so easy with her, so cozy. She tells me to close my eyes, I do as she demands. I hear her praying, our hands intertwined amid our bodies. She speaks softly, out of the sudden my whole body relaxes.</p><p>I find her faith the most beautiful thing; it’s not just for looks nor because family traditions. None of that superficial bullshit. Alicia is genuine in everything she does, and her trust isn’t mere obligation to religious institutions. It’s part of her being, greater than reason could explain.</p><p>I admire this woman, so very much.</p><p>“Thank you mom, I feel much better!” I kiss her cheek and a cold drop of tear hits my skin. When I look at her, I have the confirmation. She’s crying. “What’s wrong?” the concern in my voice is evident.</p><p>“Nothing's wrong” She cups my face, massaging my cheeks. “I just feel honored and special when you call me mom”.</p><p>I gather all my tears and push them down my dry throat. Surely, there’s love in her confession, but there’s also pain. Alicia and dad dream of having a baby. For a few years now, they’ve been trying without success. Dad is just about to complete his forties, and Alicia is thirty-one. They still young and healthy, there is no scientific reason for this to be taking so long. I know the two get frustrated, even though they pretend not be.</p><p>“But you’re special. And you’re my mother. I didn’t come out of your belly, but I like to think I’ve a little space in your heart” I tease, maybe I can make her feel better as she just did to me. She smiles, and that’s my reward.</p><p>“Of course you have a huge and extra special place in my heart. You’re my daughter. It just feels great to hear you saying it”</p><p>Shit! I should say it more frequently. And visit them more frequently as well. We share another meaningful hug when dad just steps in. He takes a picture of us without previous warning, he loves doing that.</p><p>“My beautiful ladies and a fresh orange cake. This day can’t get any better”. He kisses Alicia and then pulls me into a bear hug, I can feel my bones almost shredding, but I don’t mind. I actually love this kind of stringency. “Hey kiddo!” he speaks into my hair. “Hi daddy!” I choke up the words, he laughs and lets me go.</p><p>Alicia serves him a slice of cake, and my second one. I take it happily. His clothes are covered by dirt, that makes me wonder what he’s up to. “Gardening” his fierce tone snaps me out of my thoughts. I lift both brows and nod, he tilts his head inviting me to see his yardwork. We both walk out with our plates in hand, the back of the house is a complete mess.</p><p>“What are you trying to do? Looks like a hurricane just passed by!” he laughs at my comment; I can hear Alicia murmuring inside the kitchen.</p><p>“I’ll make a fish pond right there” he points to a place nearby the mango tree. “A deck surrounded by plants and flowers there and a vegetable patch here” he seems to have it all figured out in his mind, though in reality I just see lots of holes around the yard.</p><p>“Since when you’re into gardening?” I tease, but he remains serious.</p><p>“Since I need to occupy myself and distract my heart”</p><p>His flat answer provoked a shiver. Everything made sense. He’s suffering, anxious because of their baby plans aren’t going as expected. And this is the clear sign that dad is struggling. Trying to keep his head above the surface, away from the easier route of giving in to alcohol again. How could I’ve been so selfishly blind?</p><p>“Dad, wanna talk?”</p><p>He nods, he sits inside one of the holes in the ground and smiles at me. Not even caring if my jeans will be dirty, I join him. We finish our pieces of cake in silence, a long time passes until he decides to speak up.</p><p>“We’ve been trying for two years already. I did another check-up, the doc said that everything is under normality. Alicia has also been examined, positive results. I don’t understand why is taking so long to her to get pregnant if we’re both healthy. It’s so suffocating, stressful” his tearful eyes revealed nothing but pain, and I can tell Alicia feels the same way. “I just want to give her a baby. I mean, she gave me so much, and I ain’t able to simply make her happy”.</p><p>“Stop the nonsense, dad! Alicia is very happy with you, you know that” he nods, wiping the tear that dropped. “Do you think alcohol has anything to do it with it? I mean, is it a consequence of many years of drinking?”</p><p>“The doc said that it isn't the problem, I’m fully detoxified. But I can’t help but blame myself for this”. He looks down his hand, playing with his wedding ring. “Maybe she deserves a guy that can make her dreams come true!” I instantly look at him. I can’t believe he just said that. Dad said the same stupid line when my mother asked for the divorce, and the next thing he did was drowning himself in alcohol.</p><p>“Absolutely wrong. Lupe didn’t divorce you because you couldn’t make her dreams come true, it was about love dad. It's always about love. Alicia loves you more than anything or anyone in this life, she would never leave you, or let you go, because of this. Getting pregnant by old-fashioned way is not the only way to have a baby nowadays, you know”.</p><p>“Yes, she'd maybe has mentioned something like that” he replied, ashamed for the stupidity he just said.        </p><p>“See? That woman loves you Beltran, don’t you ever doubt that”</p><p>“I don’t doubt it. I just … don’t want to disappoint her. I can’t let her down”</p><p>“You are not letting her down. It’s not your fault, even though you think it is. Sometimes we can’t explain life’s plans. You told me that a thousand times”</p><p>“I know” He bashfully smiles. “I’m proud to be your father” he dropped it at once, this man is unequivocally my best friend and my anchor. “I’m proud to be your daughter” I hug him with all my strength, trying to demonstrate through the act all my gratitude and love. “Don’t hesitate on talking to me when you feel down, dad. I’m here for you, always”.</p><p>“I’m your sponsor, not the other way around!” he jokes, we both giggle. “Talking about sponsorship, I want to nominate you as a sponsor of a newcomer. I’d tell you tonight after the meeting, but since you’re here I rather give you the heads up”.</p><p>I shook my head. That’s a responsibility I’m not ready to have. I’m about to collapse, how can I be a role model to someone else?</p><p>“I appreciate the thought of me, but I can’t accept”</p><p>“Why not?” he’s surprised by my denial, even a bit disappointed, I can tell.</p><p>“I’m not in my best shape to help a newcomer when I almost lost control. I had a bad fight with Matias this morning. I’m just not psyched up to give counseling to someone else” He shot me a curious look, he likes Matias as his own son. In fact, Mati and I are like perfect siblings, disagreements are rare in our relationship, let alone arguments.</p><p>“Why did you two have a fight?”</p><p><em>Here we go</em>. I confessed my fears. I told dad how that photographer gave me chills, and how Matias was not sensible enough to comprehend my request to do not hire her. Just the memory of those blue stunning eyes made my heart race, I could feel my pulse point throbbing, along with other parts of my awakened body.</p><p>“Juliana Valdes” <em>oh dear, here comes the sermon.</em> “I’m not a therapist, neither have a diploma, you know I barely made to high school. But I’m experienced, I felt in my skin the fear you’re feeling right now. Don’t you think I hesitated when Alicia called me on a date? Don’t you think I tried to avoid any social contact because the panic of people judging me by my addiction? I know how it feels. It's like being in the middle of the desert for years, and suddenly, someone offers you a cup of water. You doubt if it’s right thing to drink it, even though you’re thirsty to death”.</p><p>I chuckle, I love his analogies. He’s right, dad never completed high school but he’s the wiser person I know. And his metaphor is perfectly accurate. I feel exactly insecure, doubtful, abandoned out of nowhere completely lost.</p><p>“You know that we’re never totally healed. We're just in control or not. Look at me, fearing to lose my wife because I can’t simply make my sperms do its job. We’re all vulnerable, Juliana. There’s no secret formula for life. It’s an experiment, trial and error. If we always wait for the right time to live, we die without trying”. I let the tears fall, no restrictions. I need to take this heaviness out my chest, otherwise it’ll asphyxiate me. “Kiddo, Matias didn’t say those things because he doesn’t like you. But the contrary, he is your true friend, honest enough to tell you what you don’t want to hear but know that’s correct”.</p><p>I would retort, but swallowed my words. No other excuse came to mind, so I just bowed my head down.</p><p>“We're not telling you to go out to parties and date the first woman you see. I'm just saying that the fright you feel will never abandon you, because I’ve been eight years sober and I’m still susceptible to lose control. It’s human nature; addicts, athletes, politicians, kids, firefighters, healthy beings, we are all afraid of something. Everyone has an Achilles heel”.</p><p>“We just have to be brave enough to live” I complete his thought.</p><p>“Exactly”. He beams proudly. I feel his hand on my chin, lifting my head. “As you said, it’s all about love. You don’t have to spend the rest of your life alone because you fear the demons that reside inside. You just have to find a person who accepts you as you are, loves you wholly – the good and the bad parts”.</p><p>“I don’t think this perfect person is out there!” I say with a sarcastic accent, he gets me.</p><p>“You’ll never know if you don’t go out to explore”.</p><p>Alright, those words felt like a punch. He giggled at seeing my defeated expression. Beltran one, Juliana zero.</p><p>“This photographer, if you feel attracted to her, give it a chance”.</p><p>“It’s not … dad, it’s purely physical. Like the other times” he nods, I don’t know how to explain to him or to anyone else. “Actually, it felt stronger than the other times. It wasn’t just hunger, it felt like she could separate all my atoms with a mere look. I … I don’t … she’s gorgeous but I’m afraid I can’t feel anything beyond that”. Dad had a stupid smirk on his face, I rub my hands over my face. “I fear to feel nothing, nothing but sexual desire. No one deserves to be treated as a piece of meat, like a mere object, disposable and replaceable. I don’t want to make someone else feel <em>empty</em>, like I do”.</p><p>Silence lingers between us for a while. I'm sure dad understood what I mean. I don't have to look at him to detect the pain he's striving to conceal. I hate to make him suffer for me, or mom, or Alicia, or my siblings, Panchito. <em>Matias.</em> It breaks me in a billion little pieces when I see agony in their eyes, because of me. This stupid obsession. </p><p>I couldn’t take the doleful quietude anymore, I stood up. This talk is officially over. “I’ll go home. I need a shower, see you at the meeting”. I kissed his cheek and stormed toward the kitchen. Washed my plate and thanked Alicia for the delicious cake. We shared another warm embrace and when I was about to leave, dad shouted from the garden “Juli, don’t forget it’s your turn to read the diary tonight” he waved a goodbye, I shut my eyes. <em>Fuck, I totally forgot I had to do it tonight.</em> I haven’t been writing on my diary for weeks, I’m screwed. I run to my car and rush to my place. I gotta write something before seven, and it’s already ten past six.</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>VAL POV      </strong>
</p><p>“You don’t have to babysit me, you know”</p><p>My tone is harsher than it should, but I don’t care. I’m pissed. Eva rolls her eyes, turns her body toward me and stares. Mutely stares. I try to keep my attention on the road, but her irritating overprotective mania is getting on my nerves. “You know what? Take a picture. That way you can stare at my pretty face all day long!” I grumpily grumble, she laughs.</p><p>“You can yell at me as much as you want. I don’t care hermanita!” I know she doesn’t, no one does. I’ve been trying to yell my feelings for years, but no one seemed to listen. Now they're all willing to hear me out. How convenient!</p><p>I shake my head and keep on driving. We’re on our way to that stupid support group reunion. I haven’t shown up for a couple weeks, last time was my only time. But now, a judicial order is obliging me to attend AA meetings, I have no option but showing up. I mean, I do have another option – jail. So yup, I’ll stick to the support group.</p><p>“Guille told me he called the responsible person for the meetings to let them know we're coming tonight. I don’t remember his name, it's something like Beto, Bernard, Benicio…”</p><p>“Beltran!” I correct her.</p><p>“Yeas! Beltran Valdes”</p><p>The surname made me chill. Beltran. He’s Juliana’s father. Juliana Valdes, my new boss. Well, Matias is my boss, but she also runs the place. Shit! I haven’t thought about that. What if she’ll be there tonight? How will she react when she sees me? Why that woman doesn’t like me, by the way?</p><p>I hit the brake pedal before my car wrecks the vehicle up front. I didn’t even notice the red lights. “Fuck, Valentina! Let me drive” The irritated tone on my sister’s scream isn’t even what bothers me. The fact she doesn’t <em>trust</em> me is the main issue.</p><p>“Shut up, Evangelina!” I shout, she sinks into the car seat. “Everything’s fine. I’m fine. We didn’t crash.” I do my best to maintain myself calm, but it’s hard. The green lights are on once again, I restart driving. We stay mute all the way to DOH, fifteen minutes later we arrive safe and sound.  </p><p>I take deep breaths before we step into the room. Eva is by my side, but she hasn’t opened her mouth and looks like she’ll remain that way for the rest of the night. I feel bad for yelling at her, but it’s her fault too. She could demonstrate a bit more of faith. It’s not like I’m an irresponsible person who would put her life at risk. Ok that my car wrecking history is quite frequent, and that the past couple incidents I was the person behind the steering wheel, but hey, I didn’t do any of that on purpose.</p><p>Eva pushes the door and we walk in. All eyes are on me, as if they’re judging my disappearance. Shouldn’t this be a place where no one is allowed to judge? I mean, look at yourselves in the mirror! <em>This thought was mean, Valentina</em>. I scold myself, ashamed of my bitterness. We sit in the back, exactly same spot Guille and I did occupy weeks ago.    </p><p>Jeremy is excitedly waving from across the place, I beamed to don’t be rude. Some other faces were smiling at me, I recognized Toni and Adam, the two who shared their stories last time.</p><p>A sense of relief washes over me when I don’t see Juliana around. Beltran is talking to two women I don’t acknowledge, maybe newcomers. He turns around and sees me. I inwardly wish that he doesn’t come over, but that’s exactly what he does.</p><p>“Valentina! It’s great to have you back” I politely stand up to shake his hand and to introduce my sister. She thanks him for accepting me back, as if I committed the worst crime in humanity just for not attending to a damn stupid meeting. “There’s no shame on not showing up for a while. I don’t want you to feel guilty. That’s not what we aim here. We’re honored to have you back, but you’re free to be here at your own terms. Help is only efficient when the person in questions asks for the help”.</p><p>“Thank-you!” I meant every letter. At last someone frankly respects my will.</p><p>“But she has to come. Otherwise she’ll go to jail!”</p><p>“EVA!” My sister, as always, very straight to the point. She shrugged as if telling me she was just being honest. </p><p>“Your brother, Guillermo, explained the situation to me. I’m sorry for the misfortune of the circumstances” he is so kind it hurts. <em>Why his daughter can't be kind like him?</em> “We can discuss this in a private talk after the session, if you want to, of course!” I nod. He’s probably the first person that is not trying to force me to do anything. “If you may excuse me, I’ll start the meeting. It’s seven 'o five already, we’re late”</p><p>Beltran sits on his usual spot, the chair next to him is empty and that makes me wonder if it’s separated to a special person … he introduces himself, talks about his addiction and the many days sober, exactly as he did last time.</p><p>I was right, the two unfamiliar women are newcomers. Katlyn is nineteen, she revealed to be a sex addict<em>. Sex addict? Is this even a thing?</em> I could never imagine that. I mean, I always thought that people who like to go around bed to bed are nothing but perverts. After all, it's an option, isn’t it?</p><p>“Wow, poor girl. Must be horrible. I know all addictions are bad, but sex addiction is beyond anything else. Can you imagine how much judgment she gets?” Eva whispered to me, her watered eyes fixed on Katlyn. Her words echoed in my head, my sister is right. I’d never look at it this way, not until now. She is a woman. Society is naturally cruel to women. But she’s a woman addicted to sex. Churches, schools, family dinners. It must be awful to have everyone pointing a finger at you all the time, everywhere.</p><p>Katlyn introduces us Jessy. She’s her best friend, and the person who encouraged her to ask for help. The group welcomed them warmly, and then Beltran turned his attention to me. “We have other known faces that are returning today. We welcome you as well” I know he said those words to me, and so did the others, because they were all smiling at me. It is starting to be annoying how they smile all-the-time.</p><p>Beltran announced it was time to pray and everyone joined hands, but me. Nope. I’m not doing it.</p><p>As soon as the prayer is over, the front door opens. It's her. Late again. Her timid grin is the cutest thing ever, it made me smile. But her features quickly transformed as her eyes laid on me. I saw panic, profound consternation. </p><p>“If anyone asks, that late girl is not my daughter”. People laughed as Beltran joked. “Sit down kiddo, we’re about to begin the talking round”</p><p>She nodded, but I can tell she isn’t really reacting. It felt like Juliana is moving on automatic mode, as if her brain had just stop functioning. In any other situation, I’d find it funny. But taking into account the way she was arguing with Matias this morning and how she always runs away whenever I’m close by, this made me feel dejected – and I don’t even know why she loathes me that much.</p><p>Beltran explained that the idea for the night was to have a more dynamic and all-encompassing conversation. They all had homework to do the previous day. Everyone had to select a news report related to their respective addiction, and tell the group how that piece of information made them feel. It was a very interesting assignment, people participated with much eagerness. Everyone was very comfortable, except one person. Juliana seemed to be at the edge of a stroke. Her legs swinging up and down non-stop, gnawing her nails, rubbing her hands on her face minute to minute.</p><p>The round of talk lasted about forty minutes. Not everyone dared to give an opinion, but majority were engaged and attentive to what was being discussed. Beltran thanked those who spoke and announced the next activity.</p><p>“As we’re doing since last week, one of you will read to us a page of your diary tonight. Remember that every thought is personal, and for that, we must be respectful if we wish to comment something” he smiled at Juliana and she blushed. “Juliana will share today. Please, and thank you”</p><p>Some people clapped, her face was as red as a pepper. Juliana was shaking, I have never seen her so insecure.</p><p>“What’s her addiction?” Eva questioned me softly. I shook my head. <em>Wait! Is she also an addict?</em> I never gave it a thought …. This is, wow!</p><p>“Mhmmm, night everyone!” her tone was low, unstable, weak. The voices answered <em>good night</em> in unison. “I must be honest and confess that I haven’t been writing on my diary lately. Just this week. I swear, sponsor!” She looked at Beltran, who narrowed his eyes at her to feign annoyance. People laughed, their cute interaction dissolved the tension previously felt. “I’m mmm not the best of writers, but I’m an avid reader. So, hmn, when I can’t elaborate my own words to describe my feelings, I look for a piece of poetry, verses, lyrics or any other kind of art that can, somehow, <em>figure me out!”</em> the emphasis on her last words and the way she bit her bottom lip made us laugh again. She’s a natural, she captivates people’s attention easily. I can tell she’s very friendly, except with me.</p><p>“I’m an enthusiast about literature and philosophy, so my diary is full of other people’s words. Some authors are already dead, others still alive. But what matters is the message, and I chose to read one of my favorite philosophers for y’all tonight. He wrote this a while ago, but I believe that beautiful words are everlasting”.        </p><p>She cleaned her throat, opened a small notebook and carefully flipped through the pages. The environment was completely quiet, all attention on her.</p><p>“I’ll read first, explain myself later. This piece of work is called ‘The beauty of nothingness’, written by Alan Watts.</p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>“So if you really go the whole way and see how you feel at the prospect of vanishing forever. Have all your efforts, and all your achievements, and all your attainments turning into dust and nothingness. What is the feeling? What happens to you?</p>
  <p>That's what it's all going to come to.</p>
  <p>And for some reason or other, we are supposed to find this depressing. Do you see in a way, how that is saying: the most real state is the state of nothing?</p>
  <p>But if somebody is going to argue that, the basic reality <strong>is nothingness.</strong></p>
  <p>Where does all this come from? Obviously from nothingness.</p>
  <p>Once again, you get how it looks behind your eyes. You see?</p>
  <p>So in this way, by seeing that nothingness is the fundamental reality, you see it's <strong>your</strong> reality.</p>
  <p>Then how can anything contaminate you? All the idea of you being scared, and put out and worried, and so on. This is nothing, it's a dream. Because you're really <strong>nothing</strong>. But this is the most incredible nothing. So cheer up!</p>
  <p>The essence of your mind is intrinsically pure. Pure means clear, void. See? If you think of this idea of nothingness as mere blankness, and you hold onto this idea of blankness then kind of grizzly about it, you haven't understood it. Nothingness is really like the nothingness of space, which contains the whole universe. All the sun and the stars and the mountains, and rivers, and the good men and bad men, and the animals, and insects, and the whole bit.</p>
  <p>All are contained in void. So out of this void comes everything and YOU ARE IT.</p>
  <p>What else could you BE?” </p>
</blockquote><p>I never heard something more wrecking in life. I can see some confused faces, but I clearly understood the meaning behind every word.</p><p>Juliana is crying, but not of sadness. She’s crying because of her sensibility, and because the words really ‘figured’ her out.</p><p>“I had a talk with daddy this afternoon, and I confessed that I’m afraid of not being able to feel anymore. As if nothing is my destiny, and void is all that I have here” She pointed toward her heart, her eyes down to the floor. “I got home and I desperately thought I had to write something for tonight, but as soon as I opened my notebook, I recalled I’ve written this last month. I re-read it and it all made sense”. She paused to wipe her tears. “I don’t have to be afraid of feeling nothing, because we’re all a bunch of nothings. We have to live day after day, step after step. We don’t have a future planned, like normal people do. We worry about the next minute, the next hour. It’s a constant self-watch – and it’s tiring, suffocating. The achievement of today, or of years, can simply vanish at the smallest mistake. All the effort to maintain ourselves walking on the line, can simply turn into dust at the first obstacle that life throw at us. Not because we’re weak, but because we have to be strong all the time. And being brave 24/7 is not possible”.</p><p>As she pauses for breath, I look around. People silently nod in agreement, some of them are also crying. Beltran has his full attention on his daughter; there’s pain, understanding, pride, and love altogether in his eyes. I turn my head to my sister, Eva seems to be transfixed, lost in her own world.  </p><p>“Nothing, means emptiness. Alan’s words made me think that maybe we’re all full of emptiness, like the universe itself. When we get scared, worried, obsessive, it’s because we fill that emptiness with those feelings. I’m not saying it’s easy to control, I’m living proof of how hard it is. But what I mean to say is, we have a choice. Maybe our problems are perpetual, maybe not. We can choose how we’re going to fill that void. Or at least, how to deal with it. We <em>are</em> our mistakes, but we are our virtues as well. And nothing, maybe nothing isn’t a bad thing as we think. Nothing is the chance to restart, rebuild, to try again. Sometimes, embracing the emptiness is better than having it all planned out, because it gives the opportunity to reinvent ourselves. We all came from dust, and in the end, we will be dust again. It doesn’t make any sense to live afraid when nothing is guaranteed”.</p><p>Juliana stopped talking, we were all stunned.</p><p>“Mhn, thank you Juliana. That was a very nice sharing”. Beltran stammered, visibly fighting against the urge to cry. “As Juli spoke for a bit more than twenty minutes, we won’t have any discussions about it today. We can have a few minutes for comments next meeting. Thank you all for coming tonight and I’ll see you all at same time tomorrow. Do your prayers at home before bed, make me proud!” Some chuckled at Beltran’s words, but most people were yet in a particular trance, probably digesting Juliana’s lecture.</p><p>“Whoa, that was intense!” My sister is amazed still; I can’t deny that I feel the same way. </p><p>We waited in our seats, Beltran would come to us to talk. I saw Juliana hugging some people, she is clearly avoiding me.</p><p>The people quickly left the place, now only four are left. Beltran, Juliana, Eva, and I. He approached us while his daughter was organizing the chairs at a certain distance.   </p><p>“Valentina, this is a journal. Everyone here has one. That's to help you organize your thoughts. You can write anything you like, it just has to be at least once a day. It doesn’t matter if you write a single word or fifteen pages, you just gotta write. Don’t do as my sponsee,” he pointed towards Juliana, she pretended to be oblivious to our talk, but I know she was listening. “This can be annoying at the beginning, but as long the days go by, it becomes a pleasurable and helpful habit”.</p><p>“Thank you!” I take the notebook and smile at him.</p><p>“Since now we're sure you’re coming to the meetings more frequently, I’m designating a sponsor to you. Sponsors are here to share their experience, beliefs, and especially hope. The role of a sponsor is not to tell you what to do or how to do. It’s more like a friend that share similar problems, who can understand your concerns, fears, pain. And to let it clear, a sponsor is not a therapist able to give professional advice. A sponsor is simply another addict in recovery who is willing to share his or her journey through the Twelve Steps”</p><p>“Twelve steps?” Eva and I ask at the same time.</p><p>“Yes, but we talk about it later! Right now I want to introduce you to your sponsor”     </p><p>Okay. I look towards the door, waiting for this sponsor person to come in. Then, Beltran surprises.</p><p>“Juliana, can you please come here?”</p><p>
  <em>WHAT? Is she … Juliana will be my sponsor?      </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Turns out that I was watching a documentary about addictions and I instantly thought that it could be an interesting plot for Juliantina. Am I addicted to them? Yes, I'm. Should I write two fics at the same time? No, I should not. Will I do it anyway and get even crazier? Yes, I'll.<br/>All I ask of you is patience and support! Xoxo.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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